He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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