I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
