it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
