I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
