I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
whose parrot is this?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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