He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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