i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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