My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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