I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
