Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
