Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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