nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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