According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
