So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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