I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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