sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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