I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
