dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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