I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm like, not good at living.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
