I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
