i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
