we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
