Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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