Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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