just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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