But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
