There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
