We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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