Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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