Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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