Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
