The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
