Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
