Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
