dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
