Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
