oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
