The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
