using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
