shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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