There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
