Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
