I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dear god my vagina.
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