Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
