I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love having hate sex.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
