I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
