If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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