I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
not ubering you a puppy
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
