Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
