Kiss
Puke
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So squirting runs in the family.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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