He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
